Oobi Lost Episode (Volume 2)
We all remember the Noggin series, “Oobi." It's a show about a group of hands in a neighborhood that teaches kids about everything. It was a huge part of my childhood, and I still love it to this day.. The show was really good in my eyes because of the characters, stories, morals, and humor. However I have outgrown the show which to me is kinda a guilty pleasure. I still have a bunch of episodes on my iMac. I remember a day like in 2012, not real. I was an intern at a Disney Resort hotel. The first thing I have ever done was to greet a group of guests who happen to be pedophiles with their sweaty cheeky armpits who have awful relations with their mothers while pouring scary spaghetti into their backs just to scare annoying spoiled bratty kids out of the park with a Spiderman costume just to do a dance move off of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I have no idea what to make of it until one faithful day- I found a VHS tape. It's a magnificent rectangular piece of old technologic nostalgia (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC. Frickin' Doug Walker remembering things so I don't have to... fuck yo thoughts!) that said, “The Lost Halloween Episode of Oobi” in crappy Helvetica font. I was dishevel- I mean excited. That’s when I left work early.0 So I finally got inside the employees room at the Disney park; though in all strangeness, no employees were even in the room. Maybe it's a national holiday and workers are getting days off by visiting families… at least that is what I’m assuming. Remember kids, if assuming you make an ass out of you and me… or is it the other way around? But anyway I looked at the cover and realized that the guest star was some creepy Sasquatch or something. I thought it exists in mythology. Regardless I am just a dumb ol intern with no life believing lost episodes are real. So I put on the VHS tape; and even with difficulty knowing where the co-ax cables go; I had luck plugging them in, then rewound the tape and played the feature program. That was the decision I had regretted from that moment forward. The episode probably began with the curriculum board? i think...Then the theme song began. the song goes like this... : O''obi's like me.'' : Oobi's like you. : Oobi's gonna play the music, smoke weed everyday too. : Uma's his sis. : He's big. She's small. : Kako is his very best friend. Grampu loves them all. : It's oobi, Grampu and Daniel Rap Battle : He's got a lot to see. He's got a lot to do. : And he's a friend with you! Then, Oobi under the Oobi Logo looking uneasy and morbid. He then screams in an unusual shaky and angrier tone, Oobi, You, ANYBODY YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.” The title card began. Oobi said: "Oobi, Horse Smelling!" Then the episode started. The episode cuts to Oobi smelling a horse’s ass that looked like Bob Saget the horse. Ecch. I noticed that being a Halloween episode it had headless horsemen, jack-o-lanterns, and even dancing skeletons with top hats, canes, suits, bow-ties, and some even wore a monocle. Wait- maybe the headless man was riding Bob Saget the horse! Ah whatever, I’m dwelling too much on the details of this episode. Kinda like how I’m dwelling on my life, just dreading that I existe- sorry. I gotta continue. Oobi says hello to the audience. "Oh, Hi! Welcome to the Halloween episode of Oobi. Tonight’s guest is someone you’d remember. A creature!” What’s weird is that in this scene only Oobi suddenly had 3 eyes as if Jim Henson forgot to finish up modeling his puppets. Although the one-eye was centered and was placed in a pyramid like an illuminati sign. To make things even stranger is the background music someone in the editing had selected was the main theme song to Battletoads for the NES. I find it weird assuming that Jim Henson and Disney would affiliate with Rare Software to actually promote the show. Coincidentally a flashing image of Kako appears in the background cosplaying as Kazooie holding Ash’s book of the dead. Okay now that’s just stretching it! Errr, forgive me I don’t mean my penis size. Although Kako wearing a costume in the most frightening way possible may add up to the self-titled holiday special, as well as ANOTHER promotional tape for the lost episode of Nick Arcade where Potatoes needed to complete Superman 64 in order to survive. Ehh, moving on… In the next part we see Oobi and Uma arguing. I couldn’t tell what they were arguing given the loud static filter that was awkwardly put in. I knew it sounded realistic as if Jim and his crew were arguing about who shot John Lennon in that one lost episode of The Beatles animated series. I heard Alex Trebek and Drew Carey; from Jeopardy and Whose Line is it Anyway respectively, arguing in the background as well. The argument abruptly stopped when Inka was dressed up as John Madden. He was stoned as hell as he was with a koala and they were talking about the lost Big Bang Theory episode; as well as comparing that to a lost Rick and Morty episode. Kako looked angry and disgusted that she yelled at Inka, “I’ll show you how to play Monday Night Football. Prepare for your life. Your ‘Rocko’s Modern Life!’” But wait, why are there references to other lost episodes; what the hell is this?! She grasped Inka by the neck; thus she grabbed a propane tank approved by Juggernaut from the X-Men cartoon, and shoved the valve into Inka mouth resulting in him crying. “DID I DO THAT?!?” she yelled in an unusual voice of Urkel as she giggled sinisterly. Her voice suddenly went back to normal as Uma was asking Oobi what he feels about the recent massacres happening in the world. Oobi lectures the following, “All massacres were lies. 9/11, the holocaust, JFK, mad cow disease, Oklahoma bombings, Boston Marathon bombings, Sandy Hook, Orlando nightclub shooting, swine flu outbreak, Paris bombings, Virginia Tech, Columbine, Vegas Strip shooting, Ariana Grande bombings, War in Iraq, ebola, Kurt Cobain’s suicide, bestiality, Elliot Rodgers, hurricanes, Randy Stair, Aurora movie theatre, AIDs/HIV, Stock Market of 2008, Vietnam War, pedophilia, free masons… they are all done by lizards. Including myself…” and that’s when it hit me! WE ARE THE LIZARDS. We were controlled by the government just to be treated like skeletons and not actual human beings. “It’s not easy being green.” Oobi screamed in a more demonic voice as his face melted in the most realistic way possible. I was frightened; I had to call security about this. Just looking at footage of various tragedies that were playing at this moment made me scream in terror. Then the tape exploded as the text appeared in Comic Sans font as read by… what appears to be the voice of George Jetson, “IF YOU CALL THE POLICE… IF YOU CALL THE ASYLUM… OVER SOME LOST EPISODE… YOU WILL BE NEXT… WATCH THE REST… YOU WILL FIND MORE CLUES… AND BY THAT MOMENT… ANSWERS WILL BE REVEALED.” I was crying in agony, but I had to find more clues nevertheless. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am insane. I’m scared, I’m not cheering; make it your way… CHEERS. Tonight on an episode of Family Guy… I am more wacky. Not like idiots with posers like Woody Woodpecker or Daffy Duck! Forget about them! I’m more insane. WILSON WE’RE AT TOOL TIME NOW. Ya listen to Tool or Sum 41... or Alkaline Trio... or LIMP BIZKIT. I’m not coco for Coco Puff! Screw that bird! Call me Caddy Cannibal. Nobody Likes Droopy Dog. Can't get me me! Screw you! WE ALL REMEMBER THE 1997 SERIES KING OF THE HILL. I’M DR. IVO RRRRRROBOTNIK. SCARY SPAGHETTI. In the not too distant future… NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL Z. BARNEY WAS MURDERED WITH A SAND CASTLE SHOVEL. I has a shuvel. WHAT A PIECE OF GARBAGE I WILL TAKE A GODDAMN SHIT CAUSE I’M MORE ANGRY THAN THAT ONE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD. COMIC SANS THE MAN HERNANDEZ IS HERE. What I like about this movie is- Captain Planet, I hate Mondays- I would like to buy a person; is that a final answer? I’m a doodle. LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICANE. Propane. Limp Bizkit Kid Rock Staind Papa Roach Creed Nickelback. CRAWLING IN MY CRAWWWWWWL, and THAT is TONIGHT’S MEMO. I need to take another medication again, I’m now hearing voices. to take meds… again Much better… face it. Breakfast is ruined. The episode resumed normally as if nothing happened. Angus appeared with his costume being a WWII Nazi outfit, a tiny mustache and a tattoo of a swastika on his forehead. He appeared as unusual to look like a skinhead. He yelled with an angry German accent, “VUT DO YOU GET VEN YOU MAKE ZEE LOST EPISODE? VY YOU PUT ZEES ON ZEES VHS TAPE. SCHLUCK. SALUTE ZEM SHORTS AND GIVE ZEEM A SVEET SIEG HEIL.” He was accompanied by other German marchers including Donkey from the lost Shrek film, Juggernaut yet again, the one German wrestler from Rugrats, an old-timey German from the grocery store, and Shredder from the Ninja Turtles. They had pitchforks and fiery torches about to protest the Disney park. I was shocked! How could they do this? Was this live; but how?! Is this a prank!?! Is this satire!??! The next part is with Uma hanging from the gallows. He was on a noose holding one leg. “For my next act,” Uma screamed, “I will cause havoc and destruction all over the world. ALLAHU ACKBAR.” He vomited out tacos, burritos and pizza from Little Caesars; his eyes became hyperly bloody as hell. Oh yeah, HELL IS RIGHT. He stared directly at me… directly into my soul… for what seemed to be about two minutes and some change or so, give or take. The Happy Days theme song played while this was happening, with a screenshot of Samus from Metroid vomiting red chunks of meat. I’m not too sure if the following companies actually promoted this episode by doing a full-blown crossover but I was scared. Uma's head blinked in intersperse seconds and I paused to look only to find out that Uma morphed into Popeye wearing a Green Ranger helmet. I assume this was a missing episode where Saban paid rights to the creators of Popeye to have him appear in the episode o- nevermind. I was still confused. Grampu and Inka appeared in the balcony dressing up as dead bloody corpses of Siskel and Ebert. Inka commented, “Well so far this lost episode someone is speaking and/or typing at this time is a pasta.” Grampu responded, “I wholeheartedly agree. It’s not a creepypasta nor a trollpasta. It’s not even creepy.” They laughed. I sure as hell was not laughing; although I cracked a chuckle for a little bit given the fourth wall that these two guys broke down. Until I saw a glimpse of a giant wall in Mexico. A large kitty that was ready to attack the set was there eating Kako in the most brutal way fashion. We cut back to the balcony guys once again; Inka commented, “as the old saying goes hand, grab her by the crap!” They laughed again. But so far nothing was funny. I was traumatized! Grampu was there banging the pot and Kako was there in the background dancing with 576 skeletons. All skeletons wore a bow tie, suit, top hat, a cane, and a monocle all dancing with Renaldo. Animal was pleased but… no this wasn’t entertaining. To this point, the tape flickered constantly with more subliminal images of Mr. Ratburn dying by screaming loudly, Tim Toolman being stabbed by Wilson, and John Cleese throwing spaghetti. The next scene occurred which shocked me the most. Profanity in a kids show, conspiracies about massacres, sudden promotional product placements, subliminal messages, and this being an abrupt crossover was nothing compared to this next scene. I was surprised that red meat nor blood came out of my ass. Grampu appeared to sound like a wannabe gangsta black guy (no I ain’t racist and I ain’t a gold digger) but he was there with a butcher knife. “Listen up, you bad boy!” said he, “I will cook dem chickens and turn dem into fried chickens. Den I’ll eat my goddamn melon. Kus I am tha Grampu. I wuz kang and crap!” Just when the chickens appeared, he cut them raw, fried them, and ate them alive! Gross. He grabbed two melons and ate them all in so many seconds that he had more game than the NBA allstars. He topped that off by drinking orange Crush soda… only leading to him taking out a old shitty boombox. An Eminem version of Daniel from Caillou appeared on screen and they were dissing at each other as a rap battle began with a crappy beat playing. This all turned into an Epic Rap Battle of Lost Episodes... Grampu LISTEN UP DANIEL, YOU CAN GET MAH TRICK YOU JUST A POSER DAWG, YOU MAKE A GRAMPU SICK YOU AIN’T DOWN WITH THE TICK, YOU FROM DA WRONG NEIGHBORHOOD I DROP DA BEATS AND BASS LOW AND I’M DOIN’ DEM GOOD YOU’RE GOIN’ DOWN LIKE O’REILLY, YA HEAR DAT DANIEL LIKE PAYNE ROGERS YA RELATED TO AN ALIEN, YA PURPLE SWEATER DODGER CALL ME LIMP BIZKIT OR VANILLA ICE BUT I’M MORE OF KENDRICK LAMAR TO LEAVE WORK EARLY I DRIVE A '69 CHEVY CAR Grampu NAH I DON’T FEEL YA BOI, MY SWEATER HAS SOME PURPLE SWAG MEAN LOOK WHOSE TALKIN’ NOW ANYWAY, GO BACK TO GRABBIN’ A CRAPPY BAG DAT MEANS BOXES BY DA WAY, REGARDLESS I’M THE REAL DEAL I'M THA REAL DANIEL HERE, APPROVE DAT BY YER SEAL I’M MORE THE ONE WHO DROP THE BEATS ON PUBLIC TV HAVE SOME SPHAGETTI, DAT’S WHAT I JUST SAID, YA SEE YA BELONG MORE IN A DUDLEY DOO-RIGHT LOST EPISODE NOT EVEN IN THE HANDS WORLD, LET YA MIND EXPLODE Grampu YA MAY HAVE PROMOTED TACO BELL, BUT WHERE THA DEW AND DORITO’S YER A LITTLE PIECE OF CRAP WHO COULD NOT EVEN AFFORD SOME HOES WHO NEEDS MONEY FOR YA ANYWAY, I’M A BIGGER DEAL IN DIS PLACE EVEN DA ENTIRE WORLD, NOW GET THA HELL OUTTA MAH FACE I’M THA ONLY ONE WHO RIDES IN MR. BONES’ WILD RIDE YA LOOK LIKE YA HAVE SOMETHIN’ TO HIDE OH WAIT, YER DISHONEST AS FINGERS, LIKE A GORILLA YA BUM DO YA WANNA WATCH THA LOST EPISODE OF BRUM Daniel CRY ME A RIVER YA LOSER, YA DON’T UNDERSTAND DIS RIGHT HERE IS TRUE ART, BEING SPECIAL; GOTTA HAND WAIT YER AS SPECIAL AS A SNOBBY BRATTY CHILD NO WONDER YA TRIED SO HARD TO RAP BUT YER RAP IS TOO WILD YA TRASH, YA BELONG UNDER TROLLPASTAS YA AIN’T DANK ENOUGH TO BE SELLIN’ A LOAD OF PASTAS I’M THE TRUE CREEPYPASTA AND YA CHEF HAT YA AIN’T I EAT 99 CENT TACOS THAN YA NOW GO OVER THERE AND FAINT “Who won? The Grampu or Daniel? You decide if you find more clues and answers!” a voice of George Jetson yelled. After that nonsense... Kako appeared out of nowhere with Uma running and yelling, “OH MY GOD!” He shoves Grampu’s chicken up his ass. Crash Bandicoot appeared who looked like that one angrier version of Chandler from Friends. It turns out that he was in a disguise all along. Crash said the following, “Who am I?” Oobi asked by staring at me with red bloodshot demon eyes. “Yes Grampu… who is that?” I tried to figure out who it is… is it Nok Tok? Is it Bluey? Is it Firey? Is it Pingu? Is it Flain? Is it Oobi? Or that one host from Reading Rainbow? “Time is running out? Who is that?!” yelled a voice of George Jetson. I hurried as fast as I can to figure out whatever the hell that is… “WHO?!” a voice shrieked. “WHO!?!” I panicked so hard I could not answer; and at that point… time was up. “Ya sack of nuts and bolts, I’m laughing that you, especially everyone in this futuristic world- YOU. ARE. RETARDED.” I was insulted from my intelligence, but I should’ve known… that bandicoot was actually the North American sasquatch. Then, Oobi said: "Happy Halloween! Oobi, You, Friends. Bye!" but then, The credits rolled while the song shown during the rap battle of grampu and daniel. and they weren't than fun to watch either. It was just white text in Comic Sans scrolling on a black background. I only recognized the names of half of the people in the credits, the other half were people that I had never heard of. The copyright date was 2005, the year that the show got cancelled. The screen turned to static. I watched the static until it stopped after 4 minutes. the regular schedule came on after the episode.